For a brief moment, I said dayumm, was J-Lo and I joined at the hip, because that same weekend, I came to the realization that I was ready to serve my BF a cease & desist letter.
The concept of the term "us" was merely an afterthought, and he needs to bring Jim, James, Paul, & Tyrone and come get his sh*t!
His infidelity, lies, disloyalty was too much for me to bear and I was beyond the threshold of dealing with his bull-sh*t
I was angry, pissed, and infuriated with the fact that this inanimate object had the audacity to part their lips and continue to try to speak to me.
Yet, once my blood pressure simmered down to normalcy, I had to question what role did I play in this new found drama that was introduced into my life?
For once I just wanted to be pure and free and put all the cards on the table.
So here it goes . . . For sometime I . . . B’wood have been suffering from depression and maybe perhaps my feelings of hopelessness, irritability, loss of interest, loss of energy, and self-loathing pushed him into the arms of another man.
However, don’t get it twisted, despite my undesirable qualities, I am not going to take the burden and believe this was all because of me.
Yet, whatever the circumstance, condition or facts that ultimately led him to his decision, the aftermath left me feeling betrayed, revengeful, and earning the title "B'wood the A**hole" for rest of 2011.
It’s amazing how you can think that if you are a so-called handsome, sexy man, with a nice body, job, educated, home, car, and so many material things that I perhaps can’t even keep track of, which all seem appealing to someone else from the outside, cannot make the one individual who you are so-called in love with stand by your side to the end of time.
Hell, you eventually conclude that if the beautiful and talented Halle Berry can’t keep a man, why in the hell would I think I would be any different?
All my life I wanted to be loved, but more importantly I wanted to be VALIDATED!
Validated for who I was . . .
Validated for who I was becoming . . .
Validated for my success . . .
Validated for my charisma . . .
Validated for my swagger . . .
Validated for being a sensual, passionate lover . . .
Validated for my genuine love for people . . .
And Validated for having a great heart. . .
However, what I found to be so shameful is that I . . . B’wood couldn't even find one good reason to validate my own self.
Last night I replayed Oprah Winfrey ~ Farewell Finale, and she noted the fact that “we often block our own blessing because we don’t feel inherently good enough”, and that we all have this common thread. . . This need for validation!
“Everybody wants to be Heard . . . I SEE YOU . . . I HEAR YOU . . . AND WHAT YOU SAY MATTERS TO ME.”
So fam’ if I learned anything about this relationship, I learned that I am worthy, I am stronger than I let on, and that I am bouncing back a new man!
Not only am I more in tune with how to validate myself, I realize that its A-okay to just be by myself.
Be in the moment with oneself. . . No music, no television, no computer, no iPad, no book, no dog, no friend, and no MAN!
The funny thing is all the time I kept searching for validation, I never for once realized that on many occasions it was staring me right in the face.
I never took notice that I have 946 or more followers that take time out of their day to join, read, or comment on my blog!
My blog. . . The blog, that I never even thought had a voice.
946 followers fam' and still counting. . . Hell, how much validation does one man need?
So today, Thursday, August 4, 2011 you are being introduced to a new me.
The real me . . . The Truly Passionate, Energized, Refreshed, and Free Me.
I must say for once in my life I look forward to the new possibilities that are in store for B-W-O-O-D!
Side Bar ~ Now Honey B I always loved this song . . . But, damn did it have to be so relevant in my life right about now. . . I'm just sayin' . . . Love is a Son of B*tch!
Now I know there are 3 sides to every story your side, his side and the truth.......Now I know what he did was wrong but can you honestly say you didn't do ANYTHING wrong in this situation. Can you honestly say you did everything right. Now this is happen what are you doing about it??? Are you two willing to put all the cards on the table and say what's bothering you. Are two willing to listen to one another???? Are you listening to him when he talking and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteBwood I am in a relationship myself man and it's hard work but if you truly love that person it's worth fighting for. There's a give and take in the relationship (that one was hard for me). Yours and his single friends need to be respectful of the relationship two have. Neither one of you can ALWAYS hang out with your friends. Don't get me wrong I believe in "YOU TIME" but you also have to include your bf on things too. You / him can't think I can do what I want to do (trust me i said that alot and my bf would be fuckin hot with me). You two will be find just listen and understand when the other person is talking because I am sure just as much as you want to be validated so does he.
Oh, B... I didn't know, but I truly can relate to all that you said. Going down that same road right now. Not too please with what I foresee, but in the end I'm looking forward to the new and free "Me".
ReplyDeleteBecause real love involves constant sacrifice, vulnerability and selflessness. Thats why many people will never know it, Everyday you love someone FOR REAL, you Die to yourself..
ReplyDeleteSpeaking as both a loyal fan and as someone who is praying to not go down this road neither, I too know your pain and have always found myself reading your blogs and hoping to one day find the love that you expressed with compassion and devotion. I am trying hard in this relationship that I'm in for 10 months now, but I'm very sensitive! He's more direct while I seek to find a nicer approach on handling things. What once resembled a relationship on the signs of ying and yang has slowly dwindled into constant headache of never seeing eye to eye. I too suffer from depression and though my lover says he will fight for me and never leave I wonder if I'm not perfect enough for him, and what I lack and am working on, he finds in someone else. Anyway enough about me, my heart goes out to you but knowing the power and intelligence you possess, there is nothing that is not in your grasp. In the words of my idol and your mother, "my philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.."
ReplyDeleteB-Wood:
ReplyDeleteRead your blog daily but never commented...until now. I, too, have been through this (and in the process of making the same mistake right now actually) so I know exactly how you feel. You got me with this part "It’s amazing how you can think that if you are a so-called handsome, sexy man, with a nice body, job, educated, home, car, and so many material things that I perhaps can’t even keep track of, which all seem appealing to someone else from the outside, cannot make the one individual who you are so-called in love with stand by your side to the end of time"...
Cannot keep one to SAVE MY LIFE and yes, I went immediately to Beyonce's song and Ledisi's "Turn Me Loose" (live versions for the raw energy).
While I fix myself, just wanted to say thanks for the opportunity to not feel alone in this dilemma of needing to be validated...