B~Wood Chronicles . . .: April 2009

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Simmer Down Ring Leader

Guy and Blackstreet are reuniting for a comeback. Truly, with no male R&B groups holdin’ it down right now, we would like to believe success is inevitable. But, bey-bey is Teddy Riley really trying to balance both groups simultaneously. I mean, we all know he’s the creator of New Jack Swing, but this might be a little too much.

Lawd, b~wood had a vision of Teddy finishing up a “Grove Me” performance with GUY then following up with a “No Diggity” performance with Blackstreet. OMG, next thing you know, soulja fall out. Can you imagine Aaron Hall standing over Teddy hollering some... check, baby, check, baby, 1-2-3. . . Check, baby, check, baby, 1-2-3-4. I swear I would be NO MO’ GOOD!

No Long Backs Allowed....

First Chris Brown with Wrigley's Doublemint Gum, then Neyo with Wrigley's Big Red Gum, but Julianne Hough for Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum? Stop the press! Now you know they wrong. Press pause and freeze frame that nonexistent ass. We talkin’ about JUICY FRUIT PEOPLE. You know we need a big JUICY, around the way, ghetto booty for this commercial. Now how in tha heck did Mary J. miss her audition?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Justin Timberlake in the making. . .

At 15 years old Canadian kidd Justin Bieber is following in the footsteps of ATL’s own Mr. Usher Raymond IV. Don’t you love how music crosses all color lines! This kidd is already a force to be reckoned with. Justin Bieber has already signed a contract with Island Def Jam Records.

Now, hmmmm, let’s see what he needs. A vocal coach (yeah, we need to work on his breathing techniques), choreographer, publicist, make-up artist, stylist, road manager, fitness trainer, tutor, background singers & dancers, attorney, financial advisor, and entourage for good measure.

Yo Hold Up… Have I scared this youngin’ already! With just a few of these things he will be destined for stardom. Humph, I tell ya fame ain’t easy!

Take that...Take that....Take that!

Diddy clearly is entrepreneur of the year! Let's face it, HE CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP, DAMN-IT AIN’T GON’ STOP! However, can we truly hate on him. He is our Barry Gordy of our generation.

Now y’all know you may not get paid-N-stuff. Because, let’s be real… we all know Diddy’s track record. He’s gonna get his; before you get yours, however, once again he’s providing opportunities for us. Since we are oooh so fine, and our looks just blow your mutha – shut yo mouf’ mind go on and enter The Faces of The Future Model Search by visiting www.seanjohn.com. You know Diddy will pick out the cream of the crop.

P.S. Aren’t his models just Scrum-uh-luscious! Hey Nelly!

She's Every Women!

Hey y’all. Check out what’s going on with the most influential women in the world. You know who I’m talkin’ about, right? It’s only been a 100 days.
First Lady Michelle Obama, you know Chelle-Chelle!

Well let me spill the T. There’s a new superhero in town. So move over Ororo Iqadi T’challa, nѐe Munroe aka Storm. Wait a minute… (Now y’all know that name would get on my last nerve)…. I digress.

She needs a nickname like Ro-Ro or somethin’. Storm, we all know you are the first African female superhero and all, but babe Chelle-Chelle is from the south side of Chicago. G’rl you better recognize!

See that’s what’s wrong with dem comic book African princesses. They want to reign forever! Storm your hair is white, damn-it girl you old. You still cute in all, but move over!

You Still Gonna Love Me!

Since 2003 American Idol Frenchie Davis is still going strong. She's currently starring in the 30th Anniversary national tour of the musical revue Ain't Misbehavin alongside Ruben Studdard.

Ummm Ques? When is your M.A.C Cosmetics Ad coming out, because truly you’re always lookin' VIVA GLAM!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ain't NO MO!

Lawwwwwwwwwwwwwwdddddddd, who in da hell done took all the damn Chick'n. Damn, Damn, Damn.... I's "LOVE THAT CHICKEN FROM POPEYES". Now you know times is hard when all the Chick'n is gone. Question did she really say when been duped? Now wait a minute heifer!

P.S. ~ Now, why all the customers are colored folks. The brutha with the suit ain't playin y'all!

Stately is so classic

The day in the life of b~wood is rather intriguing.

Just like clockwork my stomach began to roar as if it was the carnivorous plant (Audrey II) in the Little Shop of Horrors. It just kept screaming FEED ME, FEED ME! I said simmer down shorty. I will feed you in a minute.

Nonetheless, I gave in to its beckon call and proceeded to the corridor to catch the elevator. I patiently waited for the elevator to arrive on the 22nd floor. DING.

Me being me, I said, ooooh goody two additional passengers will be enjoying this ride down to the ground floor. I made my way to the back corner of the elevator and tuned in to the conversation that was already in session.

("Ooh g'rl I just love your color in your hair, what color is that. (Side bar: Now her crap is fried, dyed and laid to the side, looking dry brittle and a mess. Why she lying?)

This is ol' school I just poured some peroxide in my hair like we use to do in the 70's! She said WHAT? (Side bar: LAWD, I thought I was Ms. Sophia, I said to myself, of course. GRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, oooh-wee, you better start shopping for some Anna Mae wigs now. All yo stuff will be gone. She gonna need to start over with a kiddy kitt from Just FOR ME! Now you know, all these products out today, what in hell is she thinking?) Shhh, back in session . . .

Ooh, naw g'rl you shouldn't do that, I use Herbal Essences by Clairol. They have bodacious browns. (Side bar: I said well damn -itch, are you some damn walking infomercial for Clairol, some damn bodacious brown; get the freak out of here!). You should try it. It moisturizes very well. I'm trying to get the Michelle Obama look. (Side bar: Now both of these sisters got some Oh' my Nappy HAIR thang going! So can we get some Carol's Daughter in their lives, Dr. Miracle, somethin'. I tell ya, First Lady Obama is inspiring, but, shorty-do you got a long way to go!).

DING! Ground Floor - You have arrived at your destination!

Ms. So-lang-E!

So-lang –E. Piaget Knowles song T.O.N.Y…. is truly growing on me. Clearly, she’s not getting the radio play she surely deserves. But, I must admit her video is in heavy rotation. She’s beautiful, has a figure out of this world, she’s a mom, a song-writer, a model, actress, fashionista, and songstress (Okay, well that’s yet to be determined).

As I watch her T.O.N.Y video, don’t we love how she does a slow, yet, runway -ish jog down the boulevard? Not to mention her Brazilian weave looks so lush. It has so much body and bounce, you clearly think she’s about to do a Garnier Nutrisse commercial.

But, here’s the kick-er… Who in the world, can piss on a stick and make it look so sexy. She’s the BEST!!!!!

Style Icon of the Year

Ummm, I’m not tryin’ to scare y’all or anything but, is it me or did MJ’s look become the latest trend. Like seriously, he deserves style icon of the year for this one. Yeah, we thought Mike was crazy but when The World Health Organization raised its pandemic alert in response to the outbreak of swine flu, we all came to our senses.

Mike I always knew you weren’t crazy and stuff! Humph! Who’s bad now!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Kim...

G'rlllllll, you got tha style, the booty-licious assss-ets, the brotha, now even the hair (by the way your -ish is real, Ummm NOT)... But, hell to tha naw... You ain't Bey! But, Kim-Kim, we still love ya!

Don't we love Jazz...

Did anyone see the new Jasmine Sullivan's cotton commercial. Philly's girl next door has truly blossomed. Hmmm, did she ever think she would become the Fabric of Our Lives? Go Jazzy! I tell ya don't you love success in Black, it's a beautiful thang!

OMG, I noticed the NUDE Pumps, yet again!

OMG, I noticed the NUDE Pumps, yet again!

News Brief ~ This lady wears nude pumps Mon-Fri, including weekends, and holidays. Even on Confederate day. (Umm Memo - Who knew that today was a State holiday in Georgia - I so disapprove). Anyway, I understand the concept that nude is a neutral color. But, the same ones ever darn day. Literally, the heel looks like she been walking on stones with Wilma and Betty. Wilma said the hell with it e-ons ago, and been bare foot ever since. I'm so tempted to tell her to do the same thang!
Okay, if it was a guy. . . . Yeah, okay most dudes have the basic black, brown, and if your metro, perhaps burgundy, camel color, or even white. NOW if your totally a YAG (then literally, your closet looks likes ALDO Spring Collection 09'). Ladies take note, unless their white collar, but, even still their still more of a sneaker aficionado.
But, women. . . Normally have a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes, that make you go, awwwww, dang, where you get those from! I tell ya, bwood chronicles, is in for a rude awakening.
P.S. - "Epiphany", Remind me to tell my parents I clearly was born this way! And, if my Mom & Pops says to me. . . Like duh, we realized that back in like the early 80's, I literally will die!

Obsessed The Movie

Good Morn.... I's so tired I can't even get tha "ing" out!
Well, well, well
Now y'all know I'm literally obsessed with Mrs. Knowles-Carter, so I must say I'm inclined to say Go Bey, Go Bey... Show dem heifers whatcha working with, show dem heifers whatcha working with.. Go Bey, Go Bey..... (U have to sing it out loud like ya singing Beyoncé's Check On it).
Tell dem one mo' time, my favorite line in the movie B! - "Derek Imma uhhh, have to call you back". I gotta open up another can of WHOOP-ASS. SHAAZAAAM! (Oh, wait I think I added that part).
Now acting, was definitely better than:
· Austin Powers Goldmember
· Fighting Temptations
· Pink Panther
And it didn't involve singing like:
· Cadillac Records
· nor Dream Girls
And, Lawd please let us forget when she was Carmen Jones in that MTV catastrophe Hip Hopera.
She's getting better. But of course I love Beyoncé (never forget tha accent ova tha é ) the singer better than the actress but, my baby was number 1 at the box office with an estimated 28.5 million and the movie cost 20 million to make. And, guess what y'all I didn't see it on bootleg. Now that's good for me!
Did I mention she beat down her nemesis in some chic, yet ooh so fashionable boots. Now you know she would have gotten a good ASS whooping, when you scuffed up my boots, never mind my MAN! I tell ya that Sasha Fierce is GRANDIOSE in my book!
Ooooh, one mo' thing, check how she walks thru the movie... Her swagger, yet grown women switch, with nice full hips is so serious. I was waiting for her to look over her shoulder and go Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.
Goodness, Holla-lu-cious. I was about to part my lips as if I was speaking tongues and start in on verse 1...
I look and stare so deep in your eyes,I touch on you more and more every time,When you leave I'm begging you not to go,Call your name two or three times in a row,Such a funny thing for me to try to explain. . . . I tell ya that's a baddddd itch! (No cussing allowed)